I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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