there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
