OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
