Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Randomize
