Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
