come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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