my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
