You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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