It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
