i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
