I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
