we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
