just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
