grandma shit on top of the toilet
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
