my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
