i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
accomplished twins. life is a go
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
