I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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