Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
it glows. i had to have it.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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