I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
