At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
