Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
