A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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