I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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