Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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