omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
