you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
