I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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