fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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