I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
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