just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
