I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
