I look better un-naked...
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
