i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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