I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
