Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Randomize
