im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
