update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
