Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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