How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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