you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
