the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I need to sanitize my soul.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
