A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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