i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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