he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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