So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
