i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
