you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
zippers are such a cool invention
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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