The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
