Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
