The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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